Hoarder, gloater, coward or punisher. Have you ever thought about what kind of gamer you really are?
You may hide it well, or you may find the idea of being pigeonholed repulsive but deep down we all know we're a certain type of gamer, just like we're a certain type of personality. Whether it's aggressive (like the angry German kid) and gleeful or modest and magnanimous, in the heat of battle the truth will out.
So are you the type to collect everything in sight like Amy Winehouse at an Oddbins, or do you jump into every situation all guns a-blazing only resorting to thinking after you've died several times? There's a category out there for everyone, but like astrology this is best not taken too seriously. See what type of gamers we are at the bottom.
The Explorer
If you have an OCD thing going on whereby you exhibit an inability to pass any corridor, crate or door without examining it then you're definitely an Explorer. Games take a long time to complete for you because you're fascinated by the implied possibilities of an environment. If you've got a 100 percent scan rate in Metroid Prime or found yourself climbing up un-climable rocks in Tomb Raider just to see if there's a hidden passage up there then you're already doomed. Explorers also find it hell to play through games like Deus Ex because there are simply too many options.
What's the cure? If you really want to cure this obsession try on-rails titles like Panza Dragoon Orta, Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles or House of the Dead. There is no choice.
The Magpie
The Magpie is near aligned to the Explorer but with one key difference: they don't give a fig about what the environment looks like they just crave all the goods. Like Vanessa Feltz at a buffet it's not the table that counts but snaffling up more booty than anyone else. If you've collected every hidden package in every GTA game and found all the hidden orbs in Crackdown then consider yourself a Magpie. MMO players want all the best treasure and will spend hours hitting rats just to buy a new hat from the local milliner. If you have more than 100,000 Xbox Achievement points then you fall well and truly into this category.
What's the cure? Scrabble, Picross or any of the games in 42 All-Time Classics. Seriously, learn to enjoy the game for its own sake.
The Terminator
A gamer who's compelled to throw themselves into every situation with gusto and a total lack of tactical nous. You're unable, or more precisely unwilling, to try new strategies and would rather die countless times trying the direct approach. With linear shooters this isn't so much of a problem but you find the notion of emergent gameplay a little frightening. Ever found yourself re-spawning at the same checkpoint marker in Halo's Library 20 times in a row and actually enjoying the punishment? On the other hand you abhor games like Pixel Junk: Monsters because the direct approach rarely works.
What's the cure? Wean yourself gradually off terminating by playing shooters with a tactical bent like Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter or the Brothers in Arms series.
The Philosopher
The polar opposite of the Run N' Gunner. Instead of plunging headlong into danger they will marshal every weapon, resource and piece of information at their disposal to beat any given situation. If you've ever found yourself writing copious notes about armour and weapon types in an RPG or fiddling about incessantly with mech parts in an Armored Core game then consider yourself a Philosopher. We even know someone who used to videotape themselves playing Rebel Star on the Spectrum so they could learn from their errors. Don't mention Medieval Total War to a Philosopher or you may die from boredom.
What's the cure? Blissfully random and bonkers games like Mario Party or Super Monkey Ball is the only way to change a Philosopher.
The Coward
Cautious to the point of cowardly, this player will hide in any nook or cranny of a level just to get a vital kill and stay out of the fray. They're completely uninterested in jumping into the thick of the action and, curiously, gets an adrenaline hit from skulking around and then getting out the sleeping bag in a hidey-hole. If you enjoyed playing hide-and-seek as a kid but caused your parents no end of worry by climbing into the oven then you're a Coward. You can even camp in multiplayer games like Midtown Madness 3, by taking to the rooftops, and don't come out even when the game is over (just in case).
What's the cure? The prognosis is serious for this sad individual but remedial help is on hand in the form of social, community games like Animal Crossing. Get yourself out there!
The Gloater
The Gloater is someone who wants to conqueror every game and every opponent they come across. In multiplayer games you don't just want to win but push the face (or at least facial avatar) of your opponent into the dirt. The Gloater generally only likes playing deathmatch games and disses opponents online by making farting sounds after a kill. If strategy is required they will only enter into diplomacy so they can renege on deals and rub salt into the wounds at a later stage. On the outside world Gloaters generally work in IT or middle-management jobs but in their heads they are forever 'Doom-monger 666'.
What's the cure? Cooperative team-building games, such as The Legend of Zelda: The Four Swords and Rock Band are your only hope. No one likes a Gloater.
The Punisher
If Ninja Gaiden Black felt like some kind of rite of passage to you then look no further than this category. The Punisher will play games on insane difficulty settings on a self-centred mission to prove they have what it takes. The nature of repeating tiny sections of the game dozens of times, for hours on end, as they crawl from one checkpoint to another doesn't put them off. It won't beat them, no matter what it takes. A completist who gets more pleasure from saying they've 'beat it on hard' than experiencing anything innovative or wildly ambitious. If you have finished every version of Halo on Legendary then the chances are you're a Punisher, and you can't hide it.
What's the cure? Chill out, relax and play a few games designed to put a smile on your face. Try Harvest Moon: It's a Wonderful Life or Endless Ocean.
The Fumbler
The Fumbler is something of an enigma. They love games, play them frequently and can communicate their passion for the form as good as any. Yet they're generally shit at games; just can't seem to break that skill boundary most of us take for granted. They're like to kid at school who knew EVERYTHING about football but couldn't hit a bran door with a ball. If you've ever wondered what the end credits of a game look like or always get a sinking feeling whenever anyone challenges you to a game of Street Fighter then you're probably a Fumbler. Don't even try to play Guitar Hero because it's just going to annoy the neighbourhood cats. And as for 2D shooters, that's just something other people do.
What's the cure? There is no cure, your reactions are shot and no amount of practice will change that. But you could still become a master of turn-based games like Advance Wars.
The Monogamer
From time to time the Monogamer dabbles with other types of games but finds anything other than their beloved genre unsatisfying. If attempting something new they are crushingly embarrassing, like a chemistry teacher trying to take up LeRoc. Whether its rhythm-action, FPS or RTS they always stick to what they know and will be aloof and indifferent at gaming parties if offered something out of their comfort zone. But give them a shot of their own genre and they'll leap at the opportunity like Jodie Marsh to a Nuts photo shoot.
What's the cure? This is the gaming equivalent of agoraphobia so slow exposure is recommended. Try Wario Ware to broaden your horizons and expand your appreciation of different gaming styles.
The Angry Gamer
If you're not one of these, then you'll know one. Whether they bite pads, tear chunks out of wooden beams or punch the nearest living thing to them, the Angry Gamer the worst type of gamer there is. They're no fun to play against because they take it too seriously, yet they're the sorest of loser when they lose. They 'pwned', often storming out and taking their ball with them. Multiplayer games such as Quake III Arena and / or Mario Kart are perfect examples of games that make the Angry Gamer's blood boil uncontrollably.
What's the cure? Anything that doesn't involved 'me versus you' basically. As this is what ignites the anger. Why not try a game of Nintendogs? At least you'll never lose at that. The dog might not like you for long though.
Mon 04 Feb 2008, 12:02 pm
